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Georgina Zinno

In Search Of My True Self

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knowledge

The Final Cut*

 

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I now realize it’s been almost half a year since the last time I wrote here. Nothing wrong about it, of course, I’ve already stated I’m not a blogger anymore, I just keep my label as a writer who writes whenever suits her.. And that’s fine.

Things have been speeding up this last half year. My last entry went about how freedom was something in the mind, something you realize it’s not about hiding your grieve and faking a mask of happiness. This has been really clear to me through all these months lately.

It’s like when you gain new knowledge and information, about yourself, about the world, and then suddenly you discover that everything you thought was real it just isn’t. That emptiness can be really scary.

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Freedom is a state of mind

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My heart has been pounding from one state of mind to another. Wondering along the way which state was better to hold on, I grabbed my own self many times wishing there was only one way to fulfil my hungry heart.
It seems to me that this wondering attracts also lots of instability, doubt and feelings such as failure, disappointment and yes, sadness. Why? Because that’s what happens when you do your best not to feel, when you shut yourself up to the old and decide that all pain you’ve been going through it’s enough. Finito.

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Leave and let go

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Recently I’ve been toying with this crazy idea about leaving it all behind. Let myself explain it better.. It’s much easier said than done. When it comes to ‘leave it all behind’ this image of running away from everything what’s harming my life is the first thing it comes to my mind. But when I look around and I see how the world evolves and all the beautiful and important things my world is made of, and then I know it’s not that easy to be done. And, also, I’m not so sure that could bring any relief to the situation itself. There’s had to be another way.

Anyway, I’m stuck between my own thoughts of leaving and letting go. At this present moment everything around me seems like too much to handle. I’m broken, loveless, living in a desperate situation; nothing seems to be good enough. But wait.. There’s much more than that. I have two beautiful kids, great friends, many talents to develop  and for sure much more! It is an internal feeling that nothing lasts forever.

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Time is what you make of it – Embrancing change

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Well, it’s been a while. Hello back.

For the last months I’ve had enough fun on Facebook and a social writing life with the Blog Lovin’ Tour of The Declaration of You book. Almost every week during the tour I was writing a post about a topic and enjoying a lot doing it. The last post was about #trust, and that was the same topic I wrote about as a reason to join this Blog Tour. Then it was this deadline on Friday2nd. And I didn’t write anything.

So, at the end of the tour I didn’t make it to write (again) about trust. My idea about it has never changed but I’ve noticed my spirit was already somewhere else.

Deadline was Friday and on the 3rd, Saturday, my birthday. I was supposed to be hosting a bbq party with family at home. But it went different than expected. At the end, I was alone with two good friends that came to enjoy dinner with me and my daughter. I even had a cake with candles! I feel really grateful that they were here this day with me.

Then I realize that obviously this fun time was great but it was also over. Finito.

Continue reading “Time is what you make of it – Embrancing change”

The Final Countdown

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Welcome back to my challenge! As you see, the challenge is coming to an end. And I’m afraid it didn’t give me the results I was hoping for: finding a job.

So now I still have 10 more days to go. Everything can happen before 13 May, that’s true. But, you know what? I don’t expect much anymore.

The last weeks I was having lots of confidence, feeling lucky and positive. I knew something good was on my way, although I couldn’t place exactly what it was.

I’ve been experimenting lots of different personal issues these last months. I was expecting that this or that other contact was going to bring some new light to my life, that even that was going to change my life for good. But that was not exactly what was happening. I’ve got some bad news, or better be said, not the news I was expecting. That was a big punch because I felt sure that there was a job and some new possibilities coming on my way. So, when I found out that this wasn’t going to be the chance I was waiting for, my world collapsed. I must say I’m still recovering myself from it. It’s been a difficult week. The ideas and plans I’ve had in  my head weren’t going the direction I wanted. All of sudden I felt miserable, disappointed, empty and tired. When you feel desperate and you sort of see some light at the end of the tunnel, you become to feel happy, even too much happy I think, so enthusiastic that when I heard the bad news my whole world fell apart.

And that is so horrible. I was having some great days, feeling powerful, even happy. Thinking about my future, how was everything going to be, with the feeling that all was going to get better. So, at some point, I was just illusioned, and frankly when you wake up with a big wake up call back to reality I lost my balance. I’m stil recovering from it. It’s been difficult, quite scary to move forward without a notion of how the future will develop.

At that point I was still feeling in one piece, but little by little all these pieces I was picking up some time back, were falling down and cracking.

Continue reading “The Final Countdown”

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