Since I’m a single mom, now officially 3 years ago, I’ve been going through all ups and downs possible when it comes to re initiating my life. Not just by being a single mom (Note: a single mom is a mom who is raising her children on her own, and not always implies there is no father playing a role!) also just by being a woman, and especially when it comes to love affairs.
Not to say that within my friends’ circle and family there is always someone asking how about me having a boyfriend or if I have somebody in disguise. Well, yes and no.
Not that I care much what people think about that, but yes, it’s kind of a normal question when you are single for such a long time. Not that I didn’t have any chances to change this situation, but to be really honest, none of those chances were the right one for me.
Anyway, there have been some men around, yes. It has not been up to them to stay closer enough, it has been something within me. Somehow, I’ve been repeating my old patterns when it comes to attracting men and I feeling attracted to them. I mean, after struggling with a 12 years relationship with the father of my children of course I felt the need to feel loved, but somehow couldn’t lose my sense of ‘not being enough’ for a new partner/boyfriend.
That special someone taking space in my head
If you have been following my blog (if not, it doesn’t really matter, I haven’t been too regular with my writing in the last 3 years, though), maybe you have read my posts about my struggles with ‘dating’ and letting new people get closer (check here and here).
And then it came the time I met this special someone with whom I barely had contact (not only we live in different countries; we only met at parties and within our common friends’ circle). This kind of changed my idea of what I was really looking for in a man. You see, I clearly see a pattern here. I don’t trust words, I even question actions but I never doubt patterns. And with this guy I felt the whole time completely intimidated. When I was close to him felt always a bit awkward, no words coming out of my mouth. In all senses he looked perfect in my eyes and because of this I felt I was not enough. We all know nobody is perfect, right? Still, somehow his male energy made me stumble upon my own self- assurance. I don’t think he realised it at all. And the moments I took the courage to say something were mostly texting. But then again this pattern of ‘not trying hard, just doing as casual’ which is kind of (none) strategy I have when it comes to get closer.
Sometimes I feel really like an outcast, I don’t think this has something to do with just the times we are living (seducing people online it’s clearly not my cup of tea) since I have always being this way. I find it really hard to contact people in an intimate way and I hate to play games, especially when it comes to dating. Some may say I’m old-fashioned, maybe… I just called it ‘being honest and who you are’. In my defence I can say that I’m a friendly and outgoing person and prefer 1 on 1 conversations; as an ambivert (both introvert and extrovert) I find it really challenging when put in crowded places so long I don’t feel safe with people who get me or support me. This is the real me. At parties people see me dancing and having fun, smiling and they tend to think that I’m open and social. Which I am! But not all the time, and not with everybody. Mostly I smile because I feel happy when I dance; I can enjoy the music within myself, and for the time being I don’t think about my environment. It’s like I’m there but I’m not. I’m just focused in the music, in the vibrations I get from it and my body feels it as electricity. It’s something so beautiful! But then, I’m also surrounded by people, lots of them, and many of them aren’t spreading the best vibes I must say.
The best advice
Talking with a good friend about my feelings for someone some time ago, he gave me this good advice: “Georgina, you need to take courage to tell this special someone how you feel, otherwise you will never know what you are up to ; do you prefer to suffer in ignorance?” This was tough. Since I knew that somehow not knowing was safe. Then I didn’t need to put myself out there, because I knew I couldn’t handle a rejection. My healing process have been slow and steady and sometimes I feel like I can take all the world with me, and some other times completely drained and lost.
This was good advice, indeed but as a woman, and a Latin-American one, I must say I’m not really used to take the initiative. It’s so scary! Anyway, I took the courage and tried to use this good advice for my own sake.
I’m a person who dreams a lot, day-dreaming is one of my normal states. And I feel really motivated when I like somebody, and not just because of the simple attraction to someone; it’s more like having somebody in my head. But yet, this plays a sort of fantasy and it’s not realistic. Somehow it keeps me away from really feeling myself, tapping into my own desires. I’m not afraid of loneliness but yet, I’m not 100% for myself. Someone told me once: “your problem is that you care too much, you want to be everywhere. And that’s not healthy.” And yes, she was right. Because caring about everything but not about myself is indeed unhealthy.
So the day came I felt courageous and wanted to tell this special someone about my feelings for him. But it didn’t go as I thought because I didn’t even get the chance to tell what for feelings I had, the rejection came abruptly. It felt really hard, took me longer than a week to get back in my feet. The emotional state of feeling rejected was pretty awful. But I survived it. During that whole week I was not only sick also having back pain (I was obviously psychosomatizing the rejection and the disappointment, which was a kind of sadness I was bearing within myself). I felt something died in me. The fantasy was over.
I am who I am – the power lives in me
I like to reflect about life, it’s one of my normal habits to find truth and understanding to all what happens in my life. Loving me meant clearly going back to me, to my strength, to my pain, to my sorrow, to my emptiness.
And here I am. Alive and kicking. There is no place like home, being totally for me and for nobody else. “I know the time will come that I will start to love again” but first ME.
This gave me power. The power I have been giving away through all these years. I now acknowledge my wound and pour love and compassion in it, because nobody else can do that for me. And everybody should go back to themselves and see that the pain they feel cannot be filled by anyone else than themselves.
The power of healing resides in me and I’m glad I now know it. Because from now and on, there is no one stopping me. I am who I am. And I love myself for it, with all my ups and downs. Perfection doesn’t exist and I’m more than enough. I don’t need a saviour. I’m my own super hero. I know my worth and I don’t need anybody to tell me that. And yes, it’s now time for releasing all the old patterns to make space for new and better ones.