The time gap
It took me a long time – longer than a whole year – to be back to my writing. And here I am. What was my excuse? I had many, as a matter of fact. First of all, since the last 2 years I’ve been going through a major personal development, mostly a spiritual path which made me hold back somehow from my ‘normal life’. I was really confused on how to bring out my word, my message; doubting if that was something important and necessary to do.
Second, I was totally immersed in my Trance world, not only the party life, also the writing of articles and working as an editor for the website of Trance-Energy Radio. I was coaching and editing two authors besides my own articles. These 2 factors together with my normal routine made my life a pretty busy one and I was feeling overwhelmed almost all the time. In my free time I was either partying or traveling. It was great, of course! I loved it! The results were mostly me being too tired to keep regularity with my writing, among other stuff in my life. I don’t complain cause it was a choice I made myself.
The thing is I frequently have this feeling of not belonging anywhere. This is not something new; I have always experienced this since I was a child, feeling out of place, not in the right environment. In this sense Trance, and the Trance Family, gave me a lot, what I needed at that moment: to feel part of something. Even if that something wasn’t a real and physical place, it was a feeling of containment. I met lots of lovely souls, many I can now call my friends, made great connections, went to parties as press and was often on guest lists. It was a great year and I’m thankful for the opportunities I had thanks to my writing and my networking.
Still, I had often this feeling of something missing in my life, and by missing I don’t mean missing a person or a reality – which was also part of the development I was going through. For me, expressing my ideas and feelings, the emotions that gather within myself, have always been really important, like drinking water or breathing. I don’t call myself a writer just because I like to write, I feel the words gathering deep in me, I have visions and ideas popping up, wanting to be free, to come out. My ideas of the world, the people, the day by day are the fuel of my soul. When I miss this, it feels like missing a part of me, like neglecting who I truly am.
I can’t blame anybody for this. With this sense of feeling in and out of myself also comes long periods of isolation, the need to retreat myself far from civilization. Specially after going to parties or being among big crowds, I need lots of time for myself, to recharge my batteries, to come back to who I am and function normally again. Last year I have also been quite a lot sick, taking me a long time to recover after parties and getting back to my routine. Being a single mom, living in a foreign country and going through a healing process I must say it’s something that can test your abilities a lot. Believe me.
The learning process never ends
Still, with all the ups and downs I knew, deep in myself, things weren’t going to last forever. I have always been a self-sufficient person, striving for perfection, independent and I can call myself a rebel, in the sense that I do things the way I feel and think and not just because somebody else says that is how you have to do them. For example, I don’t go along with what others think it’s good so long I don’t try it first. I don’t have this need of being one more with the crowd, or that everybody likes me (or hates me, which is also something we can call ‘reverse attention’). I strive to be more me than everybody says, to search within the depth of my own soul, to find out who I really am, what my mission is, why I am here in this world.
Sometimes I get too much into this depth and I kind of lose myself in a parallel dimension, a sort of ‘fantasy world’. This is not easy to explain, since I myself don’t know sometimes how to separate realities. I’ve always been this way. When I was a child and later a teen, I used to think there was something wrong with me, I’ve got these feelings of separation and this need of letting myself go, and at the same time this feeling of not belonging, like I could not reach out. Of course this brought the necessary problematic within the building of relationships. It is just a few years ago I’ve found out there was a name for this, and that it was something quite normal for sensitive souls like me. But it took me years and years of abandonment, sadness, anger and most of all, feeling too much outside myself. To the point that I lost myself into others, which was really tough with people not being aware of how this affected me, not even my close family could acknowledge how hard it was for me to come back into the ‘normal life’.
I’ve learned so much since then! And I keep learning, because it’s a process that never ends! And I’m grateful I now know better, how important has been for me to feel this sense of belonging and at the same time learn to put healthy boundaries, learn to say no and listen to my own gut feelings.
We are all we need
Through this learning process I’ve realised I had big trouble with asking for help. As a single mom I struggle daily with my own feelings and emotions, and learning to be a good parent. I didn’t have the chance in looking onto others to learn how to, I come from a dysfunctional family, with lots of dramas and conflicts. Growing within this kind of environment as a sensitive soul was pretty hard, it somehow made me stronger but also less confident and trusting people have always been quite a challenge.
I’ve always been a ‘family’ person, in the sense of having a huge need for affection. This kind of love you show, like hugging and kissing is the fuel to my well-being (who doesn’t?) For that reason I was mostly lost into love relationships with guys with whom I could lose myself into and always giving it all. After breaking up with the father of my 2 children, 12 years of an intense and stressful relationship, unfortunately without a good foundation (not going to go into details) with me having this feeling of needing to give more in order to be able to receive the love I so much longed for. But, like all unbalanced equations, it was mostly me draining myself. To the point of mental and physical exhaustion and health issues.
Deep in myself I wanted so much to feel loved and give love that I was often caught with my low guard towards people who never were reciprocating me. It was a waste of time, but nothing is waste when u finally learn from it. This ‘stone-you-keep-stumbling-upon’, repeating stories until we finally learn the lesson and let go.
I experience social media as a kind of relief, a way to connect with more different people; as a writer and mostly as a communicator I have this need to be part of something and at the same time, not. Sometimes it’s also a pain in the ass, with this feeling of boredom and ‘everybody-doing-the-same-all-the-time’. This brings out the necessary struggle of course, leaving me with feelings of despair and anguish.
Still, I tend to push myself forward, I’m a strong woman, and even in the darkest moments I always find reasons to go on. My children are of course a main reason, although sometimes I feel too much withdrawing within my daily routine, and parenting is tough, really tough!
Trance taught me we are all in this together. It’s not only the love for the music, it’s also the beating of all hearts at unison, the electricity that runs within our bodies, sharing that special moment, the energy we are building up, transforming and releasing.
It might sound crazy, I know, but now finally after years of ignorance and self-abandonment, refraining from others, I finally can say I found my way back home. And home is a place within me and also within us. All of us. Love is the energy that fuels our souls. We are just material expressions of that energy. Even when we think about separation, like we are not lovable or not good enough, deep within our subconscious we strive for communication, for being one with the others. The world can go round and round and we can still distract us with material things or negative emotions; it doesn’t matter, it’s a human thing. We are all learning. And we learn by making mistakes. And trying again and again.
Counting my blessings
So yesterday something magical happened to me. It was my birthday, which to tell u the truth I was not really looking forward to. Since the last 3 years that I’m single again, totally on my own, celebrating my birthday has been more of a ‘normal day thing with nothing really important about it’; also because it falls during summer holidays, when all people disappear ‘in search of sunrise‘. And like I said before, this feeling of not relating to anywhere and anyone that keeps hammering inside of me.
I know, people wish u the best, not just because it is common place, also because they care. So I was with this ‘wary mood’ all day, like ‘yeah, again my birthday wohoo-in-a-sarcastic-way’. My daughter really sweet, the only one who gives me all this affection I so much long for.. While my son sleeping until late, waking up and not even remembering about this ‘special day’, so are teens I know. Got some messages from friends, even my mother took a moment to say happy birthday (as I said, I come from a dysfunctional family, and my relationship with my parents has always been a sort of struggle of itself, luckily I developed through the years a better communication with my dad and unfortunately I can’t say the same about my mom, that’s the way it is). I barely have contact with my friends and family from Argentina, somehow during the years I’m living abroad (17 years almost!) I lost contact and had to build my life over and over again.
It was a busy day, my mood was somewhere else all day. Had an appointment at the city hall to ask for a new passport for my daughter, so also nothing special, not really a celebration. Even some things didn’t go the way I was planning, with the unnecessary stress and me getting really irritated. Not really the ‘birthday spirit’.
At the same time I was feeling this way, people were writing kind messages on my fb wall. I felt really overwhelmed! I wasn’t expecting that! Even if u say ‘ok, it’s just social media’ it still took me by surprise. People I didn’t have contact for long time, people I didn’t even think care for me, well, this entire people were thinking at that moment about me! It made me feel special and lovable. And I realised later that night (after some spicy Indian food together with my children, and a big family group hug) I was so much immersed into these realms of ‘not-belonging’ because I overthink too much, because I go to deep into this inner-world I have, forgetting that outside myself there is still people caring and supporting me no matter what. It brought tears to my eyes.
This gave me food for thought. To realise how important was my own attitude towards myself and towards others, how sometimes I’m lost into my fantasy world thinking nobody cares, how sometimes I make myself unreachable when everything I want is to be one of the gang. After all, we are all the same. Different but the same. We all have the same feelings of withdrawal, not belonging, loneliness. We are all we need. And it doesn’t cost much. To reach out your hand to the other, to let them know u are there. Even if it’s solely to tell them they are not alone, that somebody still cares.
Most of all, I learned how to count my blessings. Like, if I just pay attention to everything that doesn’t work or overthink too much, I only get more of the same. Where I put my attention, my energy, that’s where I give the opportunity for things to grow up. ‘The grass is greener where u water it“. So I’m now learning to water my own grass.
And now, a year older and wiser, I’m still learning to balance the subtle energy of being myself, loving myself, healing myself and knowing when to reach for others.
I’m so grateful I’m alive! After that huge ‘almost death experience‘ 2 years ago, life gave me plenty of reasons to treasure every moment like this is the last one. Seeing my children grow, the beauty of nature, the beauty of little things. And there is music, there is art, there are so many things!
Finding this place within myself to bring out the best of me and yes, the best of us. And then there is our planet, which we build and destroy. There is no ‘us’ and ‘them’, there is ‘togetherness’ and ‘all as one’, when we realise we are all part of the same, we realise that there is no separation, it’s just the illusion of it. We are all connected to the same source, everyone experiencing their own learning process, the universe is infinite and there are blessings for all who dare to look out for them. And yes, it sounds kind of hippie, I know.. And I don’t care, this it’s true for me!
(Peace, Love, Unity, Respect)