For the last – almost – 4 years, I’ve been learning quite a lot about myself and my inner transformation has been taking place, even when I wasn’t consciously aware of it.
The last year and half has been a blessing, but also a huge challenge for me. Although I might look fiercely and strong (I sort of project this image) many times I’m simply weak and depressed by the fact that life is tougher than what I expect.
Fear is the opposite of love, you know. We tend to think that hate is the opposite, but that’s not completely right. And this is because we tend to think always about complementary and opposite ideas. It’s a way to understand the world that we are living in, and specially ourselves.
If I rewind all this into the machine of time, let’s say 2 years ago, I see a scared woman who wanted so bad to change her personal situation, feelings of frustration and disappointment piling up, these were the main motors for that change. This woman I was, was so scared of taking any step further that she didn’t know where to begin with. She felt alone, troubled, disrespected and negativity was like a cloud of energy going everywhere she went. Always tired, feeling overwhelmed and irritated. All this together with money issues, kids and a toxic relationship were an explosive cocktail. That one day was going to explode, that was for sure.
After many health issues and different ways life was calling my attention (for the best), I gave the major step forward to the clearness I so much longed for, and with all the pain and sorrow I have built in myself, even those feelings of not being enough, low self-confidence and not knowing where to run away; it happened.
And now, at this very moment I feel myself again confronted with a major task I’ve been sort of avoiding.
Piling it up again with my health issues, my longing for economic independence but most of all, the clearness of not knowing where to go when it all comes to which part I am responsible for.
I think it sometimes looks much easier to avoid all the fear you feel inside. This is because that way you are sacrificing your well-being in the future for an instant feeling of comfort in the present time. But, here comes the trick, this image of comfort can’t last forever. The issue you so much fear will repeatedly come back, again and again. Making you feel less and less comfortable and your soul will scream for a proper solution. There are no instant solutions, at least, so long you don’t dare to confront that what so stubbornly keeps reminding you that it’s not fulfilled.
I’m a daydreamer. I have always been. I find it hard to stay with my feet on the ground and see things for what they really are. I make myself excuses and justify within myself that many of the things I experience are part of my karma. And yes, this is also possible, but believe me, when you are doing that, you’re making it worse for yourself. Reality is so different. So long I live with my higher expectations looking at the sky asking for a solution; probabilities are that that solution will take longer. Or not at all.
Waiting for something to happen is like telling the universe you’re not capable of doing anything for yourself. And, life is always in your hands. You can, of course, ask for guidance and help from above or within (whatever you believe in) but the major effect takes place when you yourself take the rides of your life.
And this can only happen when you acknowledge all that you are. This is who you actually are, the parts that you fear, the parts that you love. And all your fears will continue piling up, showing their face in the worst moments.
This is what it’s now happening again in my life. When I look back in time and I see how difficult it looked and how it required a major effort from me in order to take that necessary step forward, I realize that it was all a matter of facing my own fears. What I so much didn’t want to do.
Nobody says it’s going to be easier. Nobody can promise me it will be immediately resolved. It’s up to me, and nobody else. I now realize how much power these fears have been taking away from me. How much I am giving up every moment I decide not to pay them the attention they require. This power loss is building up and I’m the only person who can put an end to it.
And yet, it still scares the hell out of me. This major step looks major because I’ve been skipping it for long. It has been easier, somehow, to avoid it all because in my mind it still looks like a huge challenge. And it is. But so long I keep on avoiding it; it will build higher and higher.
Self-confidence and self-love are things nobody can give you but yourself. At the very moment you decide to face your worst fears, you’re also taking the weight away and making yourself lighter. And more! You are taking responsibility for your own life, and with that come all the freedom, power and love you were so much longing for. We don’t know if it works or not, it’s just a matter of trying. If you never try, you will never know.
And.. The most important thing is that you are 100% in charge. Even when you make mistakes, if you are in charge, you can still do something about it. You can create your own life, how do you want it to be, how do you want it to look out, how much do you want to put outside yourself, how much do you want to keep for yourself.
I finally understood this. I finally got the insight, the vision. And it is within these margins that I can now go forward and take responsibility for my own transformation.
I’m now reclaiming my power back. Wish me luck.