I now realize it’s been almost half a year since the last time I wrote here. Nothing wrong about it, of course, I’ve already stated I’m not a blogger anymore, I just keep my label as a writer who writes whenever suits her.. And that’s fine.
Things have been speeding up this last half year. My last entry went about how freedom was something in the mind, something you realize it’s not about hiding your grieve and faking a mask of happiness. This has been really clear to me through all these months lately.
It’s like when you gain new knowledge and information, about yourself, about the world, and then suddenly you discover that everything you thought was real it just isn’t. That emptiness can be really scary.
In this sense, it has been a really deep and fast process of learning. What I discovered has been really intense, really shaking.
Almost all my life I’ve been trying to be someone I wasn’t. My state of mind was corrupted with structures and ways of doing stuff. Since I was born, at school, at home, work and all society structures I’ve trying to cope with and failed to make my own.
Since I was a little girl, manipulation has been present in many disguises. It took me years of making mistakes, reflection and starting all over again to realize that I was lost. My soul was trapped.
Later on, moving out from a world I sensed wrong and awful, always escaping from somebody or something, I came to this moment in my life where almost everything I’ve learned didn’t make sense anymore.
You see, when life gives you a second or a third chance, it’s you and only you the one who can undermine the fact of being blind and deaf to what your heart really longs.
I’ve been strong and weak, always trying to master that thin based balance of walking and running at the same time. I’ve been trying to move faster than time, thinking that the next step was going to fulfil the hunger in my soul and heart.
But then lately, during these last months, I’ve been experiencing major changes. There has been a huge shift in my consciousness, a huge realization of how do I understand the world and its beings.
While the world it’s at battle with itself, people dying, making war, killing, economic assaults, social & climate changes; the whole world situation looks like it’s out of hand.
I’ve been meditating how and what do I wanted to say. If it was worthy to open my mouth, to give the world a piece of my soul, and yet, all these feelings and thoughts were just boiling inside of me, but not ready to be poured outside.
What did it change? Not much I must say. I think I’ve made up my mind, I finally discovered that for major changes to happen I didn’t have to look outside, but inside myself.
We project ourselves from the inside out. We don’t need big gestures or big actions. It’s not about that. It’s about starting from a little place within yourself, how smaller how better, because, you know, it all begins with self-love. Something we are not been taught.
Finding out what is what rocks your world, how love can be present in every little gesture and that time can really heal everything we touch.
That’s the final cut, when you finally realize that everything you’ve been prepared for doesn’t make sense anymore.
When you finally discover that it’s in the present moment where you have the chance to be free and move your soul, that awareness is not just a nice word, it has to do with the place where you want to move forward. Where do you want to go?
To reach this higher perspective there’s also something really necessary to be done. And that’s the solely thought that it can be done. You see, all words we put in our mouths and minds can really have the big impact of changing how you see and understand the world. It’s so easy to get lost, scared and doubt about that path that doesn’t necessarily go straight.
A year it’s almost gone, we long for happiness and fulfilment but we don’t want to feel responsible for our actions and thoughts. We tend to look outside, to look for someone or something to be responsible of everything that doesn’t happen the way we want and expect.
In my learning process I’ve found out that it’s in me where I can find the answers I so much long for. And to open that Pandora box it’s necessary to move, to do research, to read, to be open to all the signs the world puts on your way of discovering.
This is possible in many ways, there’s not just one way or one truth. There are many ways to reach that deep space of love within you. It can be reached with meditation, yoga, psychoactive drugs (e.g. Ayahuasca), mindfulness, journaling, lucid dreams, etc. All these are methods that you can develop to gain that true inner soul of yours.
In my spiritual path I’ve been looking for many different ways to achieve this major state of being. I’m still learning, following my intuition, my heart is the compass. How important it is to do what you feel it’s right. And that has nothing to do with what others think it’s good for you (or for them).
We are all different. We share the same passions and needs. We are all spirits in a material world. The solely thoughts of love or hate can undermine our path and the path of others.
What we put in the world it’s what we are. Everything that annoys us or makes us feel sad and tired reflects the missing link within ourselves.
It sounds easy, I know. It’s all a process. And everybody has their own process. We don’t synchronize all the times, we crash and fall, we stand up again and we continue looking for a better way to do the right thing, that thing that burns our souls.
What I now know is that nothing is real anymore. I climb and fall with every step I take. My mind, heart and soul still are playing hide and seek. Because the path unfolds magically all the time, nothing can beat the longing of being free.
We are all made of the same stars. We are one with the universe. Nothing is weird or strange. We make it for ourselves, nobody can do it for us.
It all begins with compassion. For yourself and for the world out there. Be grateful, be free. Find your own tempo, stay positive and never give up!
Within yourself there’s a world awaiting for you to be discovered. Take your time.
*”The Final Cut” is the name of the 12th studio album from British progressive rock band Pink Floyd. This was the post war attempt of Roger Waters after the delusive Falklands war. Was supposed to be the soundtrack for the film “The Wall” in 1982.