My heart has been pounding from one state of mind to another. Wondering along the way which state was better to hold on, I grabbed my own self many times wishing there was only one way to fulfil my hungry heart.
It seems to me that this wondering attracts also lots of instability, doubt and feelings such as failure, disappointment and yes, sadness. Why? Because that’s what happens when you do your best not to feel, when you shut yourself up to the old and decide that all pain you’ve been going through it’s enough. Finito.
But, this is just like a merely moment of truth. It takes lots of courage and decision to realize how wrong this can be. Because the moment you decide not to feel, you’re also allowing the good stuff in life to walk away. This can be really sad, it makes you numb, senseless and hardens your feelings towards everything, everybody.
I wish I could say that after a year of breaking up I’m through with it. But reality can be as hard as you want it to be. I mean, from the moment you decide to shut yourself up and live as nothing have happened the process takes much more time to heal. It’s like smashing your head against a wall and saying that there’s no big deal. While inside all you feel is cracking up. Smashing your head once and again and do as nothing has happened, makes you prisoner of your own emotions. No doubt you still have problems in almost all areas in life.
While people around you think: oh, look, she’s so strong.. And you, deep in yourself, are not. And you aren’t, just because you are not over it yet. You think you are you do everything possible not to feel it at all. But in those moments when you’re completely on your own, nothing can escape truth. And the truth is you’re not free, you’re not over it and you’re still sad. You feel so fucking sad that you feel like smashing your head against the wall, just to see if that emptiness is real or not.
I think that after a year I learned so much. I’m still learning. I’m still letting my heart open up to others. I have been so scared to open up. I have been so sad and lonely, that needed to pull up myself together in order to continue and not to stumble against my own feelings of depression.
It has been really tough, and yes, I feel strong. But strength isn’t a sign of getting it over. Because, freedom you know, is just a state of mind. And so long you’re still trapped between what you want and what you don’t have, you’re not free. So long you don’t dare to feel the emptiness, the sadness, the loss; you’re still prisoner of yourself. So long you don’t allow yourself to fully feel all the darkness, all what relies within yourself, you’re just a puppet of your own imagination.
It’s kind of tricky, because society is continuously telling you need to do more, move faster, get along with it all, do more, etc.. While all you want is to cry your heart out and lose your spirit for a while. But you don’t. This is because you feel responsible for your life, your family, your kids, and your status quo.
You also want to have a life like everybody else. You see around you that everybody is having fun, enjoying the little precious things in life while you feel like sobbing and whining.
And that’s ok. It’s kind of weird if you don’t. So long you maintain your head up and realize that it will soon all be over, the moment you decide to set yourself free and live the strong emotions and feelings as they come. I don’t mean you need to let them control you. No controlling, but also no repressing.
In a year of time I went through major states of loneliness, feeling like a failure, feeling like I needed to be so strong possible, not allowing people to see how bad I felt. While I showed the world little of me, or just a glimpse of my world, enough for them to think: oh, she’s doing fine; deep inside of me I was just falling into a state of bitterness. Complaining, scared, burying all my deep feelings of sadness and pain and not allowing them to surface by any chance.
I met people I cared for, I met people I longed for, I met people I wanted them to be part of my life, but at the same time I was so fucking afraid of letting them see how dark my days could be. How much darkness I still had, how much sorrow I felt for myself.
In a year the time I learned that sorrow is a kind of emotion that brings nothing good, so I banned it from my life. I didn’t want any compassion, not even my own. I wanted to go stronger, better, faster, so much as I could.
Then, reality came to me in the shape of a bike accident, and then even a nearly-death-experience. I was warned. I didn’t want to listen. I wanted to run, so far away possible, run until I felt empty and clear in my mind. But this too, wasn’t true at all.
I was in a state of lie. Lying to myself, denying me the chance to fully feel what my heart still wanted to. I realized I couldn’t feel almost anything, no joy, no fun, no love. It was only in some moments I allowed myself to free my mind and heart when I felt love or passion. But it didn’t take long until almost immediately I was locking myself away, again and again.
And what changed my mind? I think the fact that life was still unfolding without my permission. While I was away, locked in my high tower, life was still out there evolving into something I couldn’t control anymore. Feelings such as envy, jealousy and pain started to arise again. And I could see them as in a golden mirror. They were waving at me, saying, hello, we’re here, what are you going to do now about us?
Between nightmares and visions I realized that all those feelings and emotions I buried deep inside of me, caged in my mind, and were still alive and kicking. Kicking so hard, the crystal castle was going to fall down.
It finally fell down. And although it was such a terrible thing to confront, I was finally free.
Free from my own cage, free from my own senseless drive.
Freedom is such a beautiful word. We long for, we cherish as a gem. While all it goes about is to free your mind. Free your soul. Free your heart.
I have moments I feel rotten, sad, and full of pain. I feel darkness growing within me, disappointment, bitterness, envy, jealousy, blind ambition, and disempowerment.
And yes, the moment these feelings arise, I no longer want to hide them. I let them be, I accept them. Because, you know, so long you don’t give them their proper place, they will continue coming back harder and harder. For you to know, shadows are there to cast the sun. And so long you can’t embrace your pain and your shadow; you will be a prisoner of your own self.
It’s a learning process. And I know time will heal my heart. I can’t just go with my broken heart walking around doing as it such a thing never happened. It did happen. And as broken-hearted as I still feel, I also feel the power of the light that heals everything. I’m ready for it. Willingly open to embrace what I thought I didn’t want to have.
And I’m free. Time will heal; time will do its thing. And all this, years later, will finally be in the past.
For further reading.. Why freedom is a state of mind, according to other sources
Freedom is a state of mind – not freedom from something but a sense of freedom, a freedom to doubt and question everything and therefore so intense, active and vigorous that it throws away every form of dependence, slavery, conformity and acceptance. Such freedom implies being completely alone. But can the mind brought up in a culture so dependent on environment and its own tendencies ever find that freedom which is complete solitude and in which there is no leadership, no tradition and no authority?
One of the major causes of fear is that we do not want to face ourselves as we are. So, as well as the fears themselves, we have to examine the network of escapes we have developed to rid ourselves of them. If the mind, in which is included the brain, tries to overcome fear, to suppress it, discipline it, control it, translate it into terms of something else, there is friction, there is conflict, and that conflict is a waste of energy.
Is fear the result of thought? If it is, thought being always old, fear is always old. As we have said, there is no new thought. If we recognise it, it is already old. So what we are afraid of is the repetition of the old – the thought of what has been projecting into the future. Therefore thought is responsible for fear. This is so; you can see it for yourself. When you are confronted with something immediately there is no fear. It is only when thought comes in that there is fear.
One of the functions of thought is to be occupied all the time with something. Most of us want to have our minds continually occupied so that we are prevented from seeing ourselves as we actually are. We are afraid to be empty. We are afraid to look at our fears.
The observer is fear and when that is realized there is no longer any dissipation of energy in the effort to get rid of fear, and the time-space interval between the observer and the observed disappears. When you see that you are a part of fear, not separate from it – that you are fear – then you cannot do anything about it; then fear comes totally to an end.