Finally I can say I’m back here again! After a long time trying to put the domain and site together, now finally I can come back to my writing. It’s been a long time, and not only I sort of decided to climb my own mountain of silence, I just didn’t feel like posting anything anywhere anymore. Sounds like an ultimatum, I know.. And indeed it had to do with my last incursions in the online dating world.
After my first and, up to now, the only date I had, I did give it a try to continue finding that special someone online. It has been quite an experience, I must say.
I remember when I was younger; it was always easier to meet new people. I’ve always been that kind of weird person who talks to people on buses or on the streets. I never thought that later it was going to be so tough to meet someone new again.
Living in a different country, speaking a different language, being far away and alone it doesn’t make it easier, that’s it. But it also has to do with the fast times we are living in. I was terribly afraid to put myself on a shelf and offer my duties to a bunch of single men. But now I’ve already done it. And not only I made a new account on Tinder, I also tried Paiq, and today I gave it a try to Peper.
It’s funny because today while looking into the profiles of some guys on Peper I’ve got a moment of delusion and sadness. I thought for a while, how sad it was to be exposed, and that you see the same faces everywhere. It says much about loneliness and boredom in these sharp and fast times.
When you make your account for the first time you feel terribly hopeful that you will come across that special someone. But then you realize that it doesn’t work that way.
Then, I remember the title of a book of short stories from Raymond Carver ‘What we talk when we talk about love’. I was thinking about the title of this book (and also one of the main short stories) while scrolling profiles, seeing I was not going to find what I was looking for.
In the last weeks I’ve been surfing the waves of illusion and disillusion. I’ve been riding high and low, with all the consequences that that brings within.
Since LOVE with big letters is something you start doing it for yourself, in the first place, it’s kind of weird to be looking that other half somewhere else. I don’t mean that you don’t have the chance to find it, don’t take me wrong, I just think that LOVE with big letters is not something that comes and goes. It’s always been there, right in front of your nose.
I tend to daydream a lot. That’s one of my worst habits. I tend to lose feet in the real world and my mind just goes wandering about crazy and unreal stories. Unreal ones based on facts and non-facts from the reality itself. It’s kind of annoying, especially when you’re confronted with the real reality, and then comes the disillusion.
This was more and less what happened to me the last months. Since that first and magic first date it has been really difficult for me to pull myself together.
But it has been really enriching too, I must say. It’s thanks to these new experiences that I now know myself better. I now know that LOVE with the big letters is not something precious that comes and goes. It’s always been here, right beside me, but the fact that we are all social beings makes it difficult to understand it. Most of the times, we have a good job, good friends, good food, good entertainment, etc., but we miss the human touch. And that means the hug, the kiss, the sex, the being together. Which are also expressions of love, but not the only ones. I think that’s when it come the doubt and prone mistake.
The last months I’ve been enjoying being alone. By being at home, my own home. Having the possibility to stay by friends for one night but still decided to get back home, no matter how late it was. I really enjoy my moments alone, at first it was more about being completely alone (without the kids), but I also enjoy the time being with them, because now I can finally say I found my place in the world (for now). Obviously I would love to share my world with that special someone, but I’m not in a hurry for that. It’s my place, my life. Everything that comes in between needs to take its time to grow.
After living together for 12 years I now know I don’t want to do that for a while. I like the idea of experimenting how I feel when I’m alone. Of course, I have my moments. Sometimes I love to put the radio really hard and dance around the house, eating the food I want no matter the time. But other times, I feel lonely, miss having somebody next to me, to share moments, watch a film or just have some nice talk. And also the hug, the kiss, etc.
So, when we talk about love we talk about many different things. If I base my research from what I see it’s happening around me, I see lots of desolation. I don’t want to be in that world. I rather prefer to be alone than to feel desperate.
That big love we all are searching for it’s everywhere, at every moment, in every person. Starts by being inside of us, we are love, no more or less than that. From the moment we decide to be love and be part of the world, we are already giving the universe the necessary quote of understanding and fulfilment. Call it the law of attraction or whatever you want. It’s like that. I realized this while daydreaming in a meditation moment. For a moment I knew I was on the right path. Although it can hurt when you want something from another person and this person can’t see that for himself/herself. It’s kind of sad, but everybody has to deal with its own learning process.
This doesn’t mean that love is gone. It’s still there. It’s just that sometimes we need to pull ourselves together and see what we are doing, expecting and waiting. Life is now, to be lived at the moment. There’s no tomorrow from the moment you realize that when you live in the present, in communion with what you feel, deep in your heart, that special moment is gone forever.
If we live in fear, hate, rancour, jealousy, anxiety, hastiness, etc. we are letting love disappear. Every moment, every day we have the chance to make this a better world. Just by doing what we are best in, just by being polite and kind. Just by being love, no matter what.
But because love begins from yourself, first you need to take a look into the mirror and appreciate everything you do, and forgive yourself for not always being the person you would like to be. Accepting that, you have half of the way conquered.
And if a relationship or a person, a job, doesn’t suit your love intentions anymore, you have to respect yourself and know where your limits lie. We need always to walk in the middle way, not later or further back.
And love is all around. From the moment we decide to be love, we are attracting that love into our lives. And how is it going to reach us? Oh, that is something we can’t control. We can try to look for that person, but we can also continue our lives, enjoy our moments and push our limits and beliefs. Because everything it’s possible.
And that’s what I think its love about.
*What we talk about when we talk about love is the title of a book of short stories written by North American author Raymond Carver. Published in 1981