Recently I’ve been toying with this crazy idea about leaving it all behind. Let myself explain it better.. It’s much easier said than done. When it comes to ‘leave it all behind’ this image of running away from everything what’s harming my life is the first thing it comes to my mind. But when I look around and I see how the world evolves and all the beautiful and important things my world is made of, and then I know it’s not that easy to be done. And, also, I’m not so sure that could bring any relief to the situation itself. There’s had to be another way.
Anyway, I’m stuck between my own thoughts of leaving and letting go. At this present moment everything around me seems like too much to handle. I’m broken, loveless, living in a desperate situation; nothing seems to be good enough. But wait.. There’s much more than that. I have two beautiful kids, great friends, many talents to develop and for sure much more! It is an internal feeling that nothing lasts forever.
I don’t know if all this’s happening to me might have something to do with the fact that next week I will be turning 40 years old.
Life has been taking serious leaps the last years. When in doubt I could only get back to my comfort zone. But not much has changed since that. Nothing changes so long I stay trapped in my own spider web.
For longer than half a year I’ve been waiting. All this time just waiting for something to happen, to change the situation in a kind of magic twist. Trusting that any of other way, life would appear in a different dress.
But, yet, the time has brought many great and beautiful things, moments, captions and fragments of happiness I would love to keep forever in my heart. About magical changes, I must say these don’t come just for themselves. Patience is very important in situations like mine. However, action is much more important now. I can’t wait forever without doing something about it. Taking no-action is also an action, a decision, an attitude towards what is now happening.
The law of cause and effect. I started this blog because at that moment, longer than a year and a half ago, I was already experiencing the same things now I’m going through. Of course much changed since then, but the main issue hasn’t. And there’s nobody out there to blame about it. It has been a tough year, with ups and downs, lawyers, horrible discussions and much sacrifice. I think I’ve cried enough and that’s why I can hardly cry anymore.
So, almost turning 40 in a week, in the middle of my life, stuck to my own attitudes, actions and no-actions. Alone in the dark. Feeling emptiness and a strong desire to get away from all of it.
My whole life has been a sum of leaving and letting go. More leaving than letting go.
The difference today is that after having really bad news, or better be said, no good news at all, in respect to my actual situation, the changes I was expecting in order to continue the path; I’ve been feeling so down the whole day. But life continues and my kids don’t deserve to have to deal with my problems. They’re young, innocent and playful. I wonder if this too much keeping myself busy with my thoughts it’s actually keeping me sane.
Already since a week ago I’m beginning to feel very uneasy but yet, better. The whole world looks like it is collapsing. It smells like war and death. I’ve no longer want to feel involved in this crazy game. Right now, while listening to (my new discovery!) trance music while typing, I can tell you, there’s much more to discover and enjoy.
Maybe is a sign of becoming an adult (really?) I’m in the mood of letting go. It’s about letting go of people, ideas, attitudes, words, habits and most of all: stuff that I no longer need for the next 40 years in my life.
To give you an idea, I want to share this great post from Susannah Conway, who wrote about her own 40 lessons from 40 years, I’m sure you will find more than 10 you would love to apply to your own life right now!
Live, love, laugh. And take action!