I’ve realized lately that it’s been two months ago since my last post. Quite a lot of time for a real blog, I must say.. But, like I also said it other times, I’m not always in the mood for writing in English. Anyway, I’ve been going through quite a lot of stuff the last months, and now it was time to share some of it with you here.
The title for this post has to do, of course, with the great jewel of literature which Lewis Carroll wrote, about the adventures of little Alice.
I feel much as her many times. It seems to me little Alice was a dreamy and sensitive girl who enjoyed much about her own private world. The same I was when a young.
Recently I’ve been going through many changes in my life. Although I still don’t have a job and also didn’t move out yet (waiting for that big moment to come soon!). But I published my first book, gave some presentations in different cities here in Holland, being working on my own path step by step. Sometimes it looks like a poor start, but I know I’m on the right path.
I think this is the first big change I made for myself. I’m just not afraid anymore. I’ve been lost and now I feel found. It’s been such a big messy period with lots of movements going any direction but the one I wanted.
It took me a lot of time to realize that many of these problems had to do with a wrong mindset. I was looking myself in the mirror of others expecting to find more out about myself, when all I was finding were more doubts, more opinions and more pain.
You see, looking yourself into the mirror is such a normal thing to do. We all expect that we will find our own way by looking what others do and how do they do it. We also expect to find justification for many of our decadent ideas and opinions about how things work or should be. In an era where almost everything is visual, it’s pretty normal to get lost in the forest of images and sounds. And, indeed, we tend to see more the tree than the forest itself.
And that’s ok. So long you realize that this is just a step to look forward, to continue. I think that the problem is when you stay too long after an idea, or wait too much to change the path. It’s not of big use to keep your eyes in that mirror. Mirrors have a function, and that’s of reflection. Once they reflect, they made their purpose. Then is up to you what to do with that reflection.
It’s always been said that we all are mirrors of each other. “Because we are all mirrors for each other, analyzing the people in our lives uncovers a lot about ourselves. It’s easy to see the traits we don’t like in others. It’s more difficult to realize that we possess those same qualities. Remember, the habits, attitudes and behaviours of others are closely linked to our own unconscious and unresolved issues.” (This quote it’s taken from Egoic Living). Which means that when we are looking too long it’s also a reason for us to ask ourselves, why are we doing that?
In the search of my true self I’ve been going through many disillusions and disappointments. Especially when it comes to people I met the last years. People I thought to be my allies but later I discovered to be my enemies. Or just people that said they loved me and now they hate me. I don’t even know if that’s true, but I can feel it. And why do they have this kind of strong negative feelings towards me? Then, I think back to that quote and I understand.
When it comes to my own vision of things, I also had troubles with understanding everything in the world. But that was before, when I was completely lost. It took long time for me to find my way back, back to myself.
Because, after all, when we are looking too much outside ourselves almost everything we encounter is what we don’t want to see. What we don’t like.
One thing I learned in this time was to be more confident about myself. The second one, and a really important one, is to be careful with whom you trust, who you let in into your life. Of course, this is something really tricky, because you never know in the beginning until a certain moment if a person will be a great treasure or a curse in your life. That’s the eternal ‘trial & error’ we all need to go through.
In my case it was so obvious that I needed to be more careful and reserved with some people. This sort of people, you know, who are constantly looking into your life trying to see you fall. I don’t know why that is. I think it comes from a lack within themselves.
When you’re an innocent soul, a naïf person who loves to help without counting your blessings and complaining about your luck, like I did, it’s easy to fall prey for such people. They are expecting to see you fall because that gives them the justification they need to make their own mistakes. It’s so sad.
You may ask yourself what made me change. Well, first of all, life itself. Once you’re struggling with a lot of negativity and things seem not to go the right way, you might fall or become stronger. I became stronger. But the battle isn’t over yet. It never does.
The second thing was to understand myself better. This happened in a casual way (although I don’t believe at all in casualties). With some information that came across my path.
I think I told you enough about myself and all my doubts and vulnerability. You can scroll all the posts in this blog and find out that all this time I’ve been just battling over and over with myself. Well, now I know why. I found out that being how I am and feeling what I feel it’s actually a biological trait. And it’s called HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). That’s who I am. I’m a person who feels more intensely than others do. And this doesn’t mean I have a special power or I’m a better person. But it does mean that everything I couldn’t understand about myself and the way things in my life have been developing it did have a reason and a scientific explanation for the matter.
Since the moment I’ve made the test, starting looking for more information, finding out I wasn’t the only one feeling this way and, reading all the books possible about it; then, all the puzzle pieces fell into place.
It’s been such a relief for me, you can’t imagine! After I realized there wasn’t anything wrong about me, about my way of thinking, my sense for people’s moods and the environment, the fact I hate certain smells and tastes, and also textures; my need to be alone, the excess of light in the evening bothering me, the fact I can listen to music when no one does, among others, it made my life feel better and real.
Of course, a trait isn’t any anomalism or a disorder or illness. But it does have its disadvantages. I have little resistance to noises and sounds too strong (my son’s voice startles me really easy, for example), I get really nervous when many things happen at the same time or I’m among too many people (I don’t like crowds so long I’m not with people I trust), I just can’t do many things at the same time, although I do try because it seems it’s pretty normal for women to be multitaskers, but I don’t like it at all. I hate competition, if people are looking at me I get really nervous. I can barely watch violent and too dramatic scenes on TV or films, I avoid all these sort of programs on TV, and I just don’t watch almost any TV at all. Because I’m really conscientious about myself people tend to think I’m too arrogant or worse, narcissist. Which I’m not, since I hate to be the centre of attention and I have a lot of complex about my body and how do I look. I tend to take everything really personal and startle really easy. This has been a big issue in my life, for this reason I have made lots of mistakes and broke friendships. I’m always been too proud to admit I was wrong. But, yet, I didn’t know what was about with me, and now I know.
So, you see, being a HSP can be a pain in the ass. So long you don’t know how to handle the fact that you’re a different person from the rest, and how you can use your trait or condition to feel better under your own skin; it needs a lot of self reflection and work to be done.
And I’m now walking this line. I’m so happy to feel like I finally belong somewhere. Learning to understand myself and especially my own body, with which I never had a great connection.
And how am I doing all this? Well, getting more information, now reading this fabulous book from Dr. Elaine Aron, called simply ‘The Highly Sensitive Person’. Learning to protect myself from the negative energy from others, eating healthier, caring much more about my needs and desires, fighting for my own place and especially, walking away from negative people who don’t contribute anything good to my life. Nurturing my good friendship ties, people who always cared and loved me no matter how crazy I was. Enjoying my life, doing the things I like to do: going out, dancing, meeting new people, having great talks, going to places I love (museums, bars, parks, forests, walking down the streets). Taking a more equitable and pure contact with people. Enjoying the sun and nature. Enjoying my time alone. Meditating. Walking. And best of all, not giving a dam about what others think! 🙂
This works for me. But, of course, life isn’t perfect. Every moment is a new opportunity to do things different. To live and love better. Not always I can beat it all, but hey! I’m doing my best.
And that’s enough for me. And for now.