Lately I’m in a poor mood for writing. It has been weeks, almost months since I came up with new ideas, new thoughts to pour down into this blog.
As a writer & blogger, the way I like to call myself, I feel the urgency of writing almost 24 hours a day. But lately, life has been unfolding into deep waves of solitude and I’m longing for quietness more and more.
Today the day I decide to write again for you out there, reaching out my hands in an attempt to fulfil my loneliness. Keeping track of what makes me feel alive. Writing. As pure as it is. Writing, because my words can stay hollow in the deepest seas but they’re still here to end my suffering.
I’ve been doing much reading and thinking and still can’t understand quite good what should I do. I mean, when you’re going through an exasperating difficult situation, it is so necessary to feel your feet on the ground. No matter if the ground is just made of clay or sand. And you’re feeling like swallowed by it.
This way I feel now. Like being swallowed by a swamp. Suffocated, alone and tired.
The moment I feel my hands have reached the bottom, then my feelings are sinking into the deeper shallow waters.
Life. As beautiful as it is, I feel like the space between fear and freedom is not yet to come. Dreams and reality.
But not everything looks so bad. I have projects of my own. Creative ones.
I’ve been working on my first to be published book. I can be so grateful about it, but reality is that with my sinking feet I can hardly move in any direction. Patience is not one of my great virtues. I’m still learning to master it.
This is a moment things are moving really slow. I’m a proactive person. I’m always thinking about my next step, what am I going to do, what new ideas will I come across in my path.
Reality is hard. There’s little for me to do. I hate losing control. I hate not being in charge.
Today I want to keep it simple, short and so clear as possible.
I feel sad and frustrated. The moment I feel like a new change is coming my way, quickly it stops and breaks into tiny pieces of glass. Every movement requires of many other movements outside my control. And everything goes so slow.
At this moment, the economic situation is getting worse. The personal situation is getting hostile. Dreams, as big and beautiful as I would like to keep them in mind are still too far to reach them out.
Today I long for quietness, for calm. And I can only find that so long I keep moving towards the nothing.
I know my words sound sad. This is the way I feel at this moment. Although this too shall pass.