And you may think I lost my creativity somewhere on the way, or my inspiration. But nope, reality is that what I lost was my sight. Yes, as you read it. My glasses broke and I’ve been spending more than two weeks not seeing properly. And not only I couldn’t read nor write, I had times of evil headaches and a strained neck product of trying really hard to read emails on my computer. Altogether it’s just a bad thing.
Anyway, here I am, alive and kicking. And what can I tell you about the whole experience of feeling nearly blind? It helped me to see (literally) things in a different way.
From what you know up to now about me, I think it’s obviously clear that since I started this quest to be helped to find a job and how every step further developed my path, I’m still facing the same insecurity from the beginning. With the little difference now that being thrown up to another dimension of my same life made me think about my whole search as a sort of magical reason to understand other aspects of my life. Let me explain myself better.
Funny can also be gruesome and gruesome can also be funny
While we sometimes laugh at somebody’s dramas and horrors, we still feel busy looking for solutions to save us from our own made up reality. Because we make our own path, even when we think somebody put magically those obstacles out there, like stepping into tiny Lego’s with bare feet (believe me, I KNOW that hurts!). But gruesome can also be funny, or at least not the kind of funny thing you get tears in your eyes, but yes, the funny sort of thing that makes you think again about everything in your life.
So, the funny thing is that when my glasses broke I felt weird. First, a lot of insecurity (more of it, in a different form) came along with these blurred shapes. Later, I’ve got these temporary glasses with which I could see but not sharp enough. It was tiresome, painful at times, and worse of all it was making me feel like I couldn’t do anything I wanted. Normal activities such as reading and writing were now not possible. The two weeks passed by as a really long time. When you don’t see properly, time has that funny way to pass by different than what you would like it to be.
On the other hand, I felt free. Free from doing all that I always was trying to achieve. Every time I was thinking, oh, now I have to apply for this or that job, and now I have to run from one floor to the other to put a wash, clean the rooms, take care of the kids, go out, do groceries, write something, read something, make myself busy, and so on.. Then when I couldn’t do as much as I wanted, I realized that the life I so much wanted wasn’t the one I was creating. So, all faults were mine. I wanted more, faster and now. And now that wasn’t possible. Faster was also not possible and more, nah, there was less and not more.
Back to basics
Lacking that what I wanted the most (reading, writing) felt like a slap in the face. If I was telling myself all this time that I was a writer, that I needed to find a job no matter what and where, that everything I needed to achieve was to bring some money home and at the same time live the life I so much wanted following my dream; well, then it looked as it was almost over. Of course, this was something temporary. I knew that sooner or later the glasses were going to be ready and life will continue as nothing had happened. But the truth is that it DID happen a lot in these two weeks. And not only those things related to my own very personal life, also realizing the fact that the search of my true self was involving other matters, those which are deep inside of me. In the struggle for a better, faster and more sort of life I came to this point where I knew none of that was going to make me happy or feel fulfilment.
Back to basics was not only the main idea of simplifying my life as a whole; it was also the proof that sometimes it is necessary to set a step back. And in my case, this step came also in the shape of a trip.
From bitter to better
Reasons aside, the last year has proved to be bitterer than what I really would like to admit. Of course there were great moments of joy and happiness. But almost entirely it has been bitter. And not only because I don’t have a job and still live this sort of poverty; it also has to do a lot more about being under a lot of stress and having these awkward feelings of loneliness and sadness. All them feelings I would like to avoid as much as possible. But they are there.
And problem is not to embrace your shadows, but how you do that and what do you do further.
So, thing is, you can embrace your shadow as a first step in your path to evolution (or search of your true self) but you can’t just expect that by doing this it will be clear and done.
The problem with embracing your shadow is that many of us don’t know how to continue further without it. Many we tend to grab all this negativity and keep it within us. This way we stay bitter. We tend to compare our lives with others, we tend to think about what we don’t have and would like to have. We think into a negative patron, we tell ourselves that we aren’t worthy, that we are not capable, that we are losers.
Changing these patrons is tough work. First you need to accept that you’re not perfect. And by accepting I mean, accepting the pain, the sadness and all those negative feelings we have. Give them their space, their place in you. And once we do that, then comes the important moment: we let them go. We don’t keep them. We tell them farewell, and continue our path.
Everybody needs love
Yes. Every single person in this world needs a portion of it. No matter in which way it comes. No matter if its love from your husband/wife, mother/father, kids, brothers/sisters, friends, pets, colleagues, boss, neighbours, etc., etc…
We all need to feel love. We all need to give love and receive it.
When you live abroad, like me, and spend much of your life starting all over again, you know that love it can sometimes be scarce. I no longer have all the good friends I once had, I no longer have all the partners’ love I was used to.
And yes, I do have a family of my own, and yes I do have (new) friends and people who care about me. But I don’t have my family close, my roots. And that sucks. The most difficult thing for me has been to accept that fact.
I needed to come to this point in my life, with a big midlife crisis (that’s what some people call it, I just don’t know anymore) upon me to realize how much I miss my homeland. That’s my friends, my family and my roots.
I wish Argentina was closer. I wish I could be able to travel there more often. Now it has been 5 long years since I went for the last time. It’s really a long time. There are people, family members, who have never met my little daughter. I miss having the love of my dear ones.
So, I’m going back and I will be spending some time there, Er even tussen uit, like the Dutch say: a break in between. I will be leaving next week Sunday. My plan is to spend quality time with my family and friends. Not more or less than that.
I won’t promise to be back here writing before end November.
But, who knows, in this lapse of time, everything is possible.
Farewell my readers out there. I won’t be far too long.
You can follow me on Twitter and, who knows? Maybe get some interesting updates about my adventure in my dear Buenos Aires.
Take good care! Have a great weekend!