Well hello back. It took me some time after the last post to be here and be able to write something new about me and, most of all, my quest of happiness a.k.a. ‘the search of my true self’.
It’s been now a month since I quit FB and believe me, it has been difficult for the first 3 weeks. But lately I happened to start feeling a quite unusual sensation of something called ‘freedom’.
Of course, this was related to many issues I’ve been experiencing for the last half year. Or, better be said, the last 5 years until now.
The main thing is that I’m broken. Broken hearted and money broken. I know these are tough topics just to drop here on a blog post. So I won’t go too much into details.
Anyway, by being true to myself, this quest for growth, happiness and fulfilment has been showing me other ways to feel part of something bigger, part of the world. It’s something basic to our humanity, a reflection of the way in which we are meant to live happy and creatively.
Multitasking vs. simplicity
Nowadays you hear much about the role of multitasking in our lives. We all experience moments of fatigue, burn-out, depression and frustration, and we don’t realize that a simpler way is the only means to bring creativity back to our lives.
As a mother of two young children, writer, housewife and most of all, woman in this modern world; quite often I see myself as a failure. And this idea of failure comes to me because I feel I can’t procure for everything I think I need, want and have to do.
I wish I could have more money, more time, more love, more social life, more activities to fulfil me and distract me but most of all, I wish I had more success in my life.
And by success I mean having more happiness. And by happiness I think I wish I had more moments of enjoyment.
How do I get all that together? How can I provide for myself and my family?
And here’s the moment I realized for myself that so long I couldn’t get that so necessary stability in life, I will stay biting my tail like a dog.
To begin, begin
So, where should I start from? To begin, begin. Begin anywhere. It doesn’t matter where you start from, with what. Just jump in, give yourself to your inner voice.
My inner voice has been telling me lately to quit with almost everything which was bringing me anxiety. Since I started with this blog (half a year ago now) and being terrible desperately in the search of a new job, to bring money and success back to my life, I realized that by strongly admitting I wasn’t doing good enough not only I was wasting my precious time, I also wasn’t bringing me what I so much desire.
I tend to withdraw myself from my original plans. I have so many fantastic and creative ideas all the time that on one moment I’m feeling really happy and enthusiast, on the next moment I’m feeling depress and empty.
When it comes to realizing where I’m going wrong I know the origins of this asymmetry come from some ancient ways of thinking. Ways I’ve learnt during my childhood and youth, my experiences in life, the things I’ve heard, the things from the world that I authorise to enter my life. And by that I mean, what others think, what others believe in. So, not much inner voice hearing…
Embrace your shadow and let go
It has been a great experience to be able to talk in an environment of trust about my inner demons and inner shadows. My nature, and all human nature is, tends to supress my real feelings. It usually comes in the shape of anger, irritation, hastiness and bitterness. And this happens because we human beings tend to think that a fulfilled life doesn’t allow the demons and the shadows as part of our lives. We feel ashamed about these inner feelings, we want to bury them, ignore them, and forget them forever.
But they’re part of us and our lives. And by not giving the right place to our pain, we aren’t being fair with ourselves, we’re not accepting us we are. We are not complete. We are just paying attention to what we think will make us happy and successful. And we are absolutely wrong.
I know this quite well, because since I’m having such an awful time, not only my relationship has been under the effect, my inner voice has been no subtle at all. I started feeling depressed, empty, lacking self-confidence, unworthy of love and friendship. So eager as I have been to conquest myself and have that perfect image of fulfilment and success, my life has been tearing me up to pieces. Until now.
Simplicity comes in tiny things
You hear it and read it everywhere all the time. Even being something as universal as that, we still can’t fully understand how it works.
It’s much simpler than what we actually think. Simplicity is not just a fancy word to fit in your daily quotes, it’s giving in and letting go. And by letting go I mean knowing your own limits.
Me too, as many other women, have this ‘wonder woman syndrome‘. This means I want to do as much as I can so fast possible, achieving more and more. Because that’s what the society says so, and that’s the inner message I get from it.
But no, believe me, when you’re down and feeling blue, the worst thing you should start doing is putting more pressure on you. And that doesn’t mean not to do anything about it. It’s kind of the middle way.
What it works for me can work for you
So, of course, I read as much as possible. Almost everything that comes along my way I take, digest, read and try. The world is full of incentives and stimulations. With social media, television, internet and life on a diary basis, life has been taking some serious road to permanency.
And here is when you need to get more selective. Not only the people you surround yourself with, also what it comes to your hands, eyes and ears should go into a selective process before letting them into your life.
With me, it has been doing less on social media. Although I keep myself busy on Twitter, I find that this way I’m less avid of more attention and what others think of me. I use social media. I don’t want it to use me.
Other thing that I’m starting to notice is that although the last weeks I’ve been so desperate looking for a new opportunity, a new job to bring that necessary money to my life; by asking too much from my environment I put into risk my own credibility. Not only people are reacting less to my real needs, they actually don’t know anymore how they can help me.
In that sense, I’ve realized that I make myself more difficult by not knowing myself what I want. Because just wanting to earn money isn’t clear enough for people to help me out.
So, this last week I decided to put a stop to it. No more asking to people. No more expecting. No more struggling. Even in my more desperate moments when I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, deeply inside of me, I know there will be a way. I just need to trust it.
Set priorities and start living a happy life
By priorities I mean, of course a job should be my priority, but at this very moment my attention can’t be there as a whole. And this is because I lack the necessary stability in my life to feel confident and strong. I do feel strong, mostly all of the times, like a peaceful warrior learning how to survive in a complicated world. This strength comes with the necessarily amount of sacrifice and concentration. I see I’m not at my best the last times.My concetration is poor and I’weak, having many health issues.
I accept my weakness. I accept my shadow and my demons. If I want to live in wholeness, first of all I need to accept myself as I truly am.
And that’s the way to simplicity. Accepting who you REALLY are, even if you’re not half the image you would like to be. Even when your heart is broken and your bank balance is fire red. Especially when you realize that by doing too much you’re also losing too much.
Then it’s time to stop. To quit everything what you can possibly can.
And no, it’s not a matter of starting all over again. It’s a matter of being by your own side, knowing your own limits, and little by little putting some colour back into your life.
Living a more creative way of life
After listening to all people and their advice, I knew that it was time to listen first to myself.
I was already some time longing to do something more creative. Writing can be creative, but that’s something different for me.
And by this, I decided to start again, after so many years, with my ‘old love’ making collages. I mainly made collages during the period I was living by myself in Barcelona, Spain. I collected magazines, and most of all discotheque flyers and postcards. I even used many of the booklets of my cd cases. I made some beautiful cheap and recycled art. I gave them almost all away. Mostly to friends and family.
When we came to live to Holland I couldn’t bring them all. Some were too big to fit in my suitcase, so they stayed behind by somebody else’s house. I never had contact again with these people. Collages were gone. For good.
I did have a time, already living in the Netherlands, I started all over and created some nice pieces. I still have some of them.
This Monday I looked into my collection of magazines I want to use for my next collage. I have so many! I’m a paper collector, all paper and cardboard that gets into my hands, ends somewhere in my drawer or closet. Everywhere there’s paper such as magazines, postcards and flyers around the house. I’m now planning to give them some good use.
I will let you know as it evolves.
As for now, I’m done with writing (I’m sure you’re also done with reading… I’m trying to be brief when it comes to writing but it takes time…) and I will go early to sleep. Or at least, before 12 pm, almost now.
Sleeping on time has been doing wonders to my spirit and body.
Nice dreams! Until next time!