Welcome back to my challenge! As you see, the challenge is coming to an end. And I’m afraid it didn’t give me the results I was hoping for: finding a job.
So now I still have 10 more days to. Everything can happen before 13 May, that’s true. But, you know what? I don’t expect much anymore.
The last weeks I was having lots of confidence, feeling lucky and positive. I knew something good was on my way, although I couldn’t place exactly what it was.
I’ve been experimenting lots of different personal issues these last months. I was expecting that this or that other contact was going to bring some new light to my life, that even that was going to change my life for good. But that was not exactly what was happening. I’ve got some bad news, or better be said, not the news I was expecting. That was a big punch because I felt sure that there was a job and some new possibilities coming on my way. So, when I found out that this wasn’t going to be the chance I was waiting for, my world collapsed. I must say I’m still recovering myself from it. It’s been a difficult week. The ideas and plans I’ve had in my head weren’t going the direction I wanted. All of sudden I felt miserable, disappointed, empty and tired. When you feel desperate and you sort of see some light at the end of the tunnel, you become to feel happy, even too much happy I think, so enthusiastic that when I heard the bad news my whole world fell apart.
And that is so horrible. I was having some great days, feeling powerful, even happy. Thinking about my future, how was everything going to be, with the feeling that all was going to get better. So, at some point, I was just illusioned, and frankly when you wake up with a big wake up call back to reality I lost my balance. I’m stil recovering from it. It’s been difficult, quite scary to move forward without a notion of how the future will develop.
At that point I was still feeling in one piece, but little by little all these pieces I was picking up some time back, were falling down and cracking.
I must say that my only comfort is my writing. Although I would like to have more time for it, every little space of time I have I give it to it. It’s the only moment I feel back in my own skin, back to who I’m really are. Because at the last moments of this journey, this challenge I’m pleading for, I’ve been juggling with the different me’s and roles I thought I could achieve.
At the beginning of this challenge I was quite insecure, feeling as if I could take whatever job was coming on my way, challenging myself to be somebody I wasn’t. I let people advice me, suggest me new opportunities; I was so happy people were reacting fast to my challenge, giving me tips, tagging me on forum threads on Facebook, etc.
But then time passed by. And when what is at stake isn’t quite what you are looking for a job, even more than that, your whole life seems to pass like a movie in your eyes, then it’s not that just every tip or advice can really help you out.
So, counting back the time and the days I have left, I see this search for a job was the excuse I needed to find something else: myself.
And in between moments, turning myself out has been such a big step that I’m now taking back the days, ideas, all this amount of information and connections for a better channeling to get the results I need. One of these has been the Facebook group Amsterdam Small Business Network, which although focused on freelancers and small business in Amsterdam has welcomed me too. I placed my ad about my challenge there, and believe me, this is the sort of groups you will be happy to be a member to. Sharon Tainsh leads the group with the goal of giving space to all these small business andneeds of development. So I’ve been there sharing information and tips that had been really useful in this search of the real me.
During some moments I was feeling like skeeping some steps, I just wanted to run from one side to the other to finally end having everything I was looking for. To meet the goals I thought I needed to fulfil to be a better me.
And now, time is squeezing and I’m still with empty hands. I don’t have a job, and all this time when I thought I was approaching the finishing line, feeling a winner, I was only cheating with myself.
Before starting this challenge, almost 2 months ago, I was already having the plan to start for myself, as a freelancer or something like that. Of course I was not totally sure of myself, but deep inside of me I knew that it was the right thing to do. Then I was listening to others and not listening to myself. And if you listen and you lack self-steem you tend to allow in other people’s ideas better than yours. So, I started to feel scared, not knowing how was I going to manage without a fixed amount of money every month to pay my bills. Thinking how was I going to be able to find enough work, who would be my clients, how and where to start? And, indeed, by feeling insecure and letting other people’s points of view decide if what I wanted was good or not for me, I was cheating with myself.
And that’s how this challenge started. I was in despair, not knowing how to handle with all this fear growing inside of me. Because I’m a creative person, with a creative mind, thought to give it a try by throwing myself into this attempt of ‘personal branding’.
And oh! how I learned so much these last 2 months! I learned about myself, but also about others, other people who also are battling with themselves or their circumstances.
So, I’m not alone. And that’s not bad. You see how many people around you and also the ones you don’t know do actually care about you, think about your needs and try to extend their hand to you. And that’s one of the best things I discovered about this challenge.
So, 10 days ahead, no job in sight, picking up the pieces and letting them fall again. At this point of my challenge it seems like I’m back to where I was at the first moment. But something has changed. And that’s me. My vision of me, my self-awareness, which way to sort out the obstacles and find what’s true to myself.
And you know what? I realized I can’t be anything else than what I actually am. A writer. A blogger. A social communicator. An event organiser. Somebody who knows how to help others, listen to them and help them to find their own path. And that I can do with my knowledge, my conctacts, the information I collect from here and everywhere, and also from my own experiences in life.
So, now with less than 2 weeks to go, little money in my bank account, I decided I will go for my dreams. I will write myself in the Chamber of Commerce and be a freelancer.
I can still find a job and work for a boss, but I can also work for myself.
And this final decision came together with all the troubles I needed to go through. And everything is here, written down in this blog. I gave you ideas, I gave you tips, I shared the information you shared with me. But most of all, I told you about my struggle, how do I deal with my own fears. And all the way long you were here, reading, telling me how did you felt about it, and that believe me, means a lot to me. So, thanks for that.
The final countdown, I bet you’re singing that song in your head, is coming to an end. And I think I’m now wiser than what I was before. But most of all, I’m true to myself, to my passions, to my dreams.
And once the challenge is finished, I will stay here, writing back, telling my stories on how I continue my path, even not knowing how will next day turns. It’s so exciting!
That’s also the reason why I’m joining Michelle Ward with her BlogLovin Tour. You will find more about it in my next post.
Guess what? All this struggle has showed me a clear path, and no matter what, I’m not turning my back to it anymore. I’m here to stay and walk the line as long as I follow my dreams.
Sometimes you need to start big and crash into pieces before you realize that baby steps are the only way to find your way out. Hope to see you next time here again! I will be posting soon about how the challenge will end on exactly Monday 13th March. Until then!!!